Animal Machine

THE ANIMAL MACHINE is a large, colorful tube, big enough for a person to crawl through.

A WOMAN

We’re fine. Then I let you in. I say, “Come in”, and you do.

A MAN enters the tube.

Cum, I mean.

A MAN crawls.

And then you’re out.

A MAN emerges. He’s wearing a brown bear mask.

And you’re different.

A MAN growls.

Carnal and carnivorous. Like a bear.

A MAN notices A WOMAN.

There’s this rhyme they tell you, so if you’re ever lost in the woods and you see that big shape moving toward you, you know what to do.

“If it’s black, stay back.

If it’s brown, lie down.”

A MAN attacks A WOMAN.

A WOMAN lies down and curls up into the fetal position as if dead. A MAN tries to pry her open.

So at first I do. Because that’s what they tell you, you know? I just lie there, all clenched and curled... With my teeth gritted and my fists tight. And I just hope and hope and hope that they’re right. That when you’re done with me, there will still be something left.

A MAN continues manhandling A WOMAN

Until--

A WOMAN uncurls. Lashes out at A MAN.

FUCK THAT.

A WOMAN growls. A WOMAN produces a mask seemingly out of thin air. It is the mask of a black bear. A WOMAN chases A MAN into the animal machine.

ANOTHER WOMAN and ANOTHER MAN emerge from the animal machine.

They are dolphins.

ANOTHER WOMAN

But it’s not always like that. Sometimes, it’s like this.

She kisses ANOTHER MAN. Pulls him to her. Their hands move over one another’s bodies. Sheer enthusiasm. Beat. ANOTHER MAN pulls back.

ANOTHER MAN

If this is too fast...

ANOTHER WOMAN

She’s laughing. He’s laughing. So much dolphin-laughter. She pulls him down on top of her, onto the ground.

Do I look like I need you to go easy on me?

She locks her knees behind his back.

ANOTHER MAN

Just wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt.

ANOTHER WOMAN

I can take it.

They kiss. Roll together on the floor.

ANOTHER MAN

I’ve never met a girl like you.

ANOTHER WOMAN

They’re all like me. You just don’t know it. They’re afraid. They’re not allowed to say. I don’t care what I’m not allowed to say. I want you. This. Now.

She rolls on top of him.

A MAN and A WOMAN (Also dolphins. Yesss, more dolphins!) emerge from the animal machine.

A MAN

Other times, it’s like this.

A WOMAN lifts ANOTHER WOMAN off of ANOTHER MAN and carries her to the animal machine.

A MAN takes the place of A WOMAN on top of ANOTHER MAN.

ANOTHER MAN

Out of any animal --

A MAN

A bonobo. No, a dolphin.

ANOTHER MAN

You knew what I was going to ask you! How did you know what I was going to ask you?

A MAN

You. I know you.

ANOTHER MAN

Why a dolphin?

A MAN

Because they--

ANOTHER MAN

Sex for pleasure.

A MAN

You knew what--

ANOTHER MAN

You. I know you.

They kiss.

A MAN

And you?

ANOTHER MAN

A person.

A MAN

That doesn’t count.

ANOTHER MAN

I didn’t say except for.

A MAN

Fine. Why a person?

ANOTHER MAN

Opposable thumbs.

A MAN

I don’t believe you.

ANOTHER MAN

Then why? Why would I be a person of all things?

A MAN

Simple.

He pulls ANOTHER MAN’s hip against his own.

Sex for pleasure.

Bites ANOTHER MAN’s lip.

ANOTHER MAN

A pleased, seductive dolphin-laugh.

Exactly.

A MAN

But why not a dolphin?

ANOTHER MAN

You can’t do the really interesting things if you don’t have limbs.

They entangle. Use their limbs to their advantage.

Suddenly, A WOMAN and ANOTHER WOMAN come roaring out of the animal machine.

They are Komodo dragons.

A MAN and ANOTHER MAN scream, disentangle, and flee into the animal machine.

ANOTHER WOMAN

You were supposed to stand up for me.

A WOMAN

It was every man for himself.

ANOTHER WOMAN

We weren’t men. We were girls. We were fucking children. And you were my fucking sister. And you were supposed to stand up for me.

A WOMAN

We weren’t children. We were never children. You don’t ever get to be a child, growing up in a family like ours. Know what we were?

Beat.

We were Komodo dragons.

ANOTHER WOMAN

Fuck off.

A WOMAN

Hissing. At a stage whisper:

We were dragons. Monsters, yeah?

She creeps in close, carresses her sister’s arm with a dangerous intimacy.

We had silky scales that sliced if you stroked them the wrong way.

On the word “sliced”, she digs her nails into her sister’s arm.

We had sinewy strength. We had mouths full of teeth covered in skin and when we bit--

She mimes biting her sister’s arm.

When we bit, we broke the skin of our teeth and our mouths filled with blood. Our own, and eachother’s. And there was also spit. And disease. And hunger. Mostly our mouths were filled always with hunger.

ANOTHER WOMAN

It wasn’t fair.

A WOMAN

Nothing is.

ANOTHER WOMAN

I was too young.

A WOMAN

Life’s rough, kid. Sometimes you gotta hide up in the trees where no one can eat you until you get big enough to eat them right back.

ANOTHER WOMAN

Together. We could have taken them down together.

A WOMAN

Still would have had to grow up some day.

ANOTHER WOMAN

You’re heartless.

A WOMAN

Better that than toothless.

ANOTHER WOMAN

Just because I don’t bite dont’ mean I don’t have teeth.

A WOMAN

Prove it.

ANOTHER WOMAN

Every man for himself, huh?

A WOMAN

Way of the world, sister.

ANOTHER WOMAN barrs her fangs. She lunges at A WOMAN. They devour eachother alive.

A MAN and ANOTHER MAN crawl from the animal machine.

They are... men.

They come across the corpses of the Komodo dragons. Circle them. Perhaps prod them.

A MAN

Look at that.

ANOTHER MAN

I’d rather not.

A MAN

We’d better get this cleaned up, then.

A NOTHER MAN

Ugh.

A MAN

Well I can’t do it by myself.

A MAN and ANOTHER MAN carry first one woman, then the other, into the animal machine.

They return.

Gnarly, though. Right? The things that animals do to eachother.

ANOTHER MAN

Sickening.

Beat.

Kinda sad.

A MAN

Kinda...badass.

ANOTHER MAN

You’re disgusting.

A MAN

They ate eachother alive! Imagine that. Think how much simpler the world would be if when you pissed me off, I just--

He jerks toward ANOTHER MAN aggressively. ANOTHER MAN jumps back in alarm. ANOTHER MAN retreats, laughing meanly.

ANOTHER MAN

You heard from Marshall lately?

A MAN

What the fuck’s that got to do with anything?

ANOTHER MAN

Just haven’t heard you talk about him for a while.

A MAN

Marshall’s fine. Still in Iraq. Jesus. What, did you think now that Obama’s in office Marshall’d be back home with his feet on the coffee table, prick in one hand and beer in the other? Don’t work like that for fuck’s sake.

ANOTHER MAN

Alright, Jesus. I wasn’t trying to start something.

A MAN

I mean, what? It’s not the same, if that’s what you were saying. What Marshall’s doing, that’s... Patriotism, nobility, all that good shit. It’s not animal. It’s not that.

A MAN angrily indicates the animal machine.

ANOTHER MAN

Well it’s not any better.

A MAN

Excuse me?

ANOTHER MAN

Forget it.

A MAN

EXCUSE ME?

ANOTHER MAN

I said just drop it, okay?

A MAN shoves ANOTHER MAN. Grabs him by the collar of his shirt to scream in his face.

A MAN

Pussy like you don’t have no right to talk about soilders.

A MAN tries to shove ANOTHER MAN to the ground, but ANOTHER MAN overpowers him and throws him to the ground instead.

ANOTHER MAN

World seems pretty simple how it is.

ANOTHER MAN straightens his collar. Turns and walks calmly off the stage. (NOT to the animal machine.)

A MAN turns and spits blood onto the stage. A beat.

A MAN

Fucking pig.

Silence.

The lights fall.

from "The Beautiful Birds That You Hear Are Not Real"

The last time I see Shina Shiloh, she is, as always, flanked by captivated men.

There is a window between us. Rain glows gold as wine against the glass. There is a strand of Tibetan prayer flags strung up along the porch, and they shudder with each new burst of thunder. Sensual, somehow, like a dress lifted by a swell of breath.

There I am, inside. There is Shina, outside. Her back is to me. Her silhouette: a perfect hourglass. In that moment I can almost see invisible grains of sand funneling through her waist, as if the shape of her beauty is in it of itself a declaration that our time is limited. There is nothing to be done. Nothing to say. Frost was right-- Nothing gold can stay.

On either side of Shina is a cop. The one on the left is stout and stolid. His hand moves almost gracefully to rest on the butt of his night stick. There is a quiet intimacy to the gesture, as if he is seeking not a weapon, but rather the solace of lover’s hand. He laughs at something, lets his eyes rest impetuously on Shina’s breasts, and then meets the gaze of the other cop, the one on Shina’s right. This second cop must be less than half the weight of the first, and yet it is immediately apparent that he is the more formidable opponent. His body is taut and lean as a wire, and he is slow to smile.

Rain. Prayer Flags. Shina. The cops. Like a still from a film.

It is a moment I come back to again and again.

* * *

Theater Lessons Apply Disturbingly Well to Real Life

Lesson One: Say Yes.

Theater is about accepting offers. Not the kind offer where someone is like, "Hey Eva, do you want this domestic arctic fox puppy and also this three-tiered chocolate cake?" and then I'm like, "Well, hell yes I would, Mr. Mysterious Stranger." No, unfortunately, not that kind of offer at all. More the kind of metaphorical offer where someone moves aggressively towards you like they're about to hit you, and that action is a sort of offer, and you have the option of accepting or denying the offer. If you accept you respond to the action, and either take a step back in alarm or preemptively deck this person in the face. If you deny the offer then you just sort of stand there indifferently because I guess maybe you think you're on a stage so no one is really going to hurt you and it's all just pretend anyway. And then you look really silly.

In real life, you should not only accept but also acknowledge and return the gestures of kindness, however small they may be, that the people around you make every day. You should also accept the challenges that people and situations present you with. You should rise to meet the occasion. And if someone happens to step forward like they're going to hit in real life instead of in theater class, you still probably shouldn't just stand there-- you probably should run, or else you probably should hit them first. But I don't know which way you swing. Either way, the main thing is that you should pay attention to what people are doing, what their intentions are, where and why and how fast they are moving... Which I guess makes me realize: Life isn't only a lot like acting--

It's also a lot like dancing.

Lesson Two: Commit.

It's not as important that you make the right choice as it is that you make a strong choice. If you're going to suddenly break out into an a cappella song in the middle of a monologue; okay. But then do it right. Sing so strong that it remakes the capacity of your lungs. And maybe that'll be the wrong choice, but at least it will be interesting. There's no point in being tentative. It will kill a scene. Likewise it will kill your chances at that job, or with that beautiful girl you haven't talked talked to yet who holds the burnt umber hair off the nape of her neck by twisting it up into a loop and sticking a chewed-up pencil through it. I guess all I'm saying is that if I'm going to run then I want it to be for miles. If I'm going to fight then I want it to be to the death. If I'm going to cry then I don't just want to feel it in my eyes, I want to feel it in my stomach and even in my thighs. And if I'm going to love then I want it to be the kind of love that rends me apart at the seams, the kind from which I don't think I can ever be redeemed. There just simply isn't any point in living life like a bad actor.

Lesson Three: The Only Difference Between a Comedy and a Tragedy is When the Curtain Falls.

Someone who was probably a lot smarter and a lot more knowledgeable about theater than me said that. I'm not sure who this person was, but I'm pretty sure that the person I heard this from John Kauffman. Anyway, I thought it was pretty fucking cool so I wrote it all caps in the margin of the notebook I had at the time. I think this is a better version of the saying 'If it's not okay, it's not the end', which always seemed like a nice idea but also kind of like bullshit. Let me be really clichéd for a second here and talk about Romeo and Juliet:

So there's these two starry eyed kids, at they meet, and they fall in love. And if the curtain falls there, it's a comedy. But it doesn't; it keeps going and shit goes down and in the end they die and romantics are proven to be hopeless. And the curtain does fall. And that's a tragedy. But what if it didn't? If it didn't then everything would be pretty gloomy in Verona for a while, but eventually life would go on and there would be other lovers who would find one another, and if the curtain fell there-- well that would be a comedy again. I'm not even going to explain how this applies to real life, because other than fewer conversations held in sonnet form, I don't think real life is all that different from Shakespeare.

The Prospect (full script)

The Prospect

[Characters:

JAY

NATHAN]

JAY is seated alone in a stark room at a table with one chair. On the center of the table is a telephone. From the room it is apparent that JAY lives alone; there is chaos but not clutter. As the scene opens, Jay is tugging at the telephone chord. Though he addresses the audience, it should be clear that he is speaking to himself-- the way men accustomed to solitude tend to do when they believe no one is watching.

JAY

You know what I did today? No? You’ll never guess. I talked to her. Yeah, that’s right; to mother.

Mother on the phone and I could tell that she was drinking; don’t ask how but I just know, okay? Scotch and water. Little sips between sentences. Oh it was silent as a ghost but I could hear it. The ice must have melted cause it made no sound-- but I could feel those cubes click anyway. Little men with little hammers in my skull.

Do you know what she said to me? I can’t believe she had the nerve. She said, “Jay, Nathan is town, and you’re going to have him over.”

Seems a little presumptuous, huh? But she insisted. “Nathan’s your brother, Jay.” She said ‘brother’ the way religious people say ‘Jesus’. Said it like meant something special.

Brothers? What’s so special about brothers? I had four of them, always running around with their ding-dongs out, demanding things. And sisters, three of them. They had to get fierce since they were outnumbered. They were all teeth, the sisters. Teeth and claws and sass, like a little posse of cats.

There comes a knock on the door.

I gave in in the end though. Said he could come over. And that’ll be him now.

At a shout:

Come in!

The door opens. Enter NATHAN.

NATHAN

It’s been a while, brother.

JAY

Yes. It has.

NATHAN

You’re not going to give me a hug? Shake my hand? Stand to greet me?

It is clear that JAY will not. NATHAN smiles forgivingly and goes to the table, unbuttoning his coat in preparation of slinging it over the back of his chair. Only then does he realize that there is, in fact, no second chair at the table. JAY sees NATHAN notice this.

JAY

Sold it after I split with Mindy.

NATHAN

What?

JAY

The chair. Didn’t seem much point in keeping it around after she was gone.

NATHAN

What happened with Mindy?

JAY

She bored me.

Oh at first she was great, of course. So hot and so sweet. Body to die for. And she wore this perfume that smelled like cinnamon rolls...

But imagine having cinnamon rolls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for six months. Starts to seem disgusting. Starts to be the very worst taste in the world. And she had all these things that she wanted from me. Take me to the movies this, and tell me where you’re going that, and who’s that girl I saw you with? Shouldn’t it have been enough that she slept between my sheets and sat on my chair and didn’t pay a damn dime?

NATHAN

Well, I always thought she seemed like a lovely girl.

JAY

You can have her.

NATHAN

Nathan holds up his hand and waggles his ring finger.

I’m hitched, remember? Don’t need a girl, lovely or otherwise. Only thing I need right now’s a chair.

JAY

Like I said. Don’t have use for another chair anymore.

NATHAN

What about guests? You do have guests, don’t you?

JAY

Ain’t never had a guest felt I needed to have a chair for.

NATHAN

A wry laugh.

You haven’t changed a bit.

JAY

In some cultures, no one is allowed to sit in the presence of the King, did you know that?

NATHAN

And in others they aren’t allowed to stand.

JAY

That a fact?

NATHAN

Yeah.

Beat.

You remember how mom always used to sit on the couch, and have us stand in front of her, all eight of us, in a row?

JAY

Shortest to tallest. Used to love that.

NATHAN

Till Shane outgrew you.

JAY

Whatever, at least I didn’t have Shane’s problems. Shane had more constellations on his face than the milky fucking way. Never seen another boy got pimples that bad.

NATHAN

That seems a little bit beside the point.

JAY

Don’t go getting all protective now. Shane ain’t even here to need protecting. I’ll say whatever I want about him. Say whatever I want about you, too; but that’s different.

NATHAN

Shane’s your brother, Jay.

JAY

Why do people always got say that like it means something special?

NATHAN

It does.

JAY

Maybe to you.

NATHAN

To Shane, too. And the twins. Especially the twins.

JAY

And to mother, dearest, when she wants something from me.

NATHAN

I don’t see know you mean.

JAY

Bullshit. I call bullshit. You know exactly what I mean. Everyone does. You’re just saying that cause you know that the thing she wants from me this time has something to do with you.

NATHAN

You talked to her?

JAY

She called today.

NATHAN

What did she say?

JAY

Nothing much. That I had to play good boy and let you in when you came. She was drinking.

NATHAN

Taken aback.

She’s quit.

Beat.

What, don’t tell me she was slurring?

JAY

I could smell it on her breath.

NATHAN

What are you even talking about? You were on the phone, for fuck’s sake. You couldn’t smell anything.

JAY

I know, okay? Trust me. I know.

NATHAN

I trust mom, and if mom says she’s quit, she’s quit. No two ways about it.

JAY

A laugh. Manic-laugh. Hyena-laugh.

Nathan, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard some pretty stupid things in my life, growing up with the lot of you. So don’t take that lightly.

NATHAN

You don’t need to be so bitter.

JAY

You don’t need to be so smug.

NATHAN

Offended.

Smug?

JAY

Or so sly.

NATHAN

Sly!?

JAY

What, you don’t know what I’m talking about?

NATHAN

Took the words right out of my mouth.

JAY

I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. I’m talking about you dropping by, chatting me up about Mindy and standing in a line and stuff like that like this is something we do, cause we’re brother’s or something, when in fact we both know perfectly well that we don’t do this, that we’re brothers by blood but not by practice, and that the only reason you’d be showing up at my house out of the blue--

Well, not exactly out of the blue. That’s not quite right, is it? Mama called ahead for you. But you know what I mean. As I was saying. Only reason you’d show up like this is cause you want something from me. We both know that. Only thing any of us don’t know is that I don’t know what it is you’re wanting. Might as well just tell me now, don’t you think?

NATHAN

Is that really what you think of me?

JAY

Remember when you used to want to be a prospector?

NATHAN

Don’t see what that has to do with anything.

JAY

You had that stupid little dowsing rod you would take all up and down the beach. You thought it worked like a metal detector or some shit. Like you could find buried treasure. You didn’t even know that dowsing rods are for water, not gold.

NATHAN

I was a kid.

JAY

Yeah, well, you ain’t a kid now.

NATHAN

What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

JAY

It’s the same damn thing, that’s all. You sniffing around the beach with that stick. You sniffing around my place for a chair. Prospecting is in your blood, brother. Only thing that brings you round is the thought of gold in the ground.

NATHAN

You’re wrong.

I don’t care about gold--

JAY

If it isn’t gold, it’s something else. Women, maybe? Mindy? That why you come by here? Looking for the--what did you say?-- the lovely lady?

NATHAN

I wasn’t done.

I don’t care about gold, money, women who aren’t my own, whatever you think. You’re wrong. I’d rather have water than gold. I’d rather have a stick than a metal detector. I’d rather have a brother than a lender.

JAY

Last time you came by--

NATHAN

Last time was different. My wife’s operation-- we couldn’t afford it on our own.

JAY

And the time before that--

NATHAN

Jay, please.

JAY

There you go again. Asking for a favor. Jay, please.

NATHAN

I’m not here to ask you for a favor.

JAY

Then what are you here for?

NATHAN

It’s--

I’m not sure I still have the heart to tell you anymore.

JAY

Oh come on, you can’t do that.

NATHAN

Why not?

JAY

It’s anticlimactic, for one thing.

NATHAN

That’s funny, coming from someone who didn’t seem to want anything to do with whatever I had to say.

JAY

Well. You’ve piqued my curiosity now.

NATHAN

You aren’t going to be happy to hear it.

JAY

Then it is a favor.

NATHAN

No, it’s-- it’s about mom.

JAY

Mom?

NATHAN

Yes.

JAY

You her errand boy? She send you to ask me a favor? That’s still asking for a favor, Nathan, even if it isn’t for you.

NATHAN

No. It’s not anything like that.

Beat.

She’s dying. It’s her liver.

A silence falls. JAY’s face freezes in shock. NATHAN goes to him, puts his hand on his shoulder. JAY roughly shrugs him off.

JAY

Don’t touch me.

NATHAN

I’m sorry.

JAY

What the hell you got to be sorry for?

JAY is visibly shaking.

Why didn’t mom tell me? I told you, I talked to her. I told you, she said you were coming. I told you, she was drinking. I told--

NATHAN

She wasn’t drinking. You don’t know that.

JAY

Why didn’t she tell me?

NATHAN

She said you’re too difficult for her to talk to.

JAY

She said that?

NATHAN

I said I think you’re okay.

JAY

She said that?

NATHAN

But after today, I don’t know what I’d say.

JAY

Why’d she go and make you tell me?

NATHAN

We’re brothers, she said.

JAY

Shit.

NATHAN

Yeah.

JAY

Still don’t see what’s supposed to be so damn great about brothers. Or mothers, for that matter.

NATHAN

You don’t have to be so cold. It’s okay to be sad. Hell, it’s even okay to cry, Jay.

Beat.

I know I have.

JAY

Every damn time you come here, you want something from me. I could give you money. I have. I’ve helped you. Not saying I didn’t resent it, but I did it anyway.

But not this. I can’t give you what you need now. I can’t give you what you’re asking for.

NATHAN

Nathan’s voice is breaking. His eyes are watering. It is clear that he is close to tears.

I’m not asking for anything. What do you think I’m asking for?

JAY

A brother.

Beat.

You want me to care. You want me to cry. I can’t. She was a sorry excuse for a mother. And I don’t need you or any the rest of our sisters or brothers. I’ve got my house, here. I’ve got my table. I’ve got my one chair. And that’s all I need. Don’t need guests coming by begging me to sit down.

NATHAN

Jay, please.

JAY

Nathan, please. Just stop. It’s time for you to go home.

A long, lonely beat. NATHAN begins to cry. JAY turns away, disgusted. At length, NATHAN swallows loudly, rubs his hands over his face, closes his coat, nods. He opens his mouth as if to speak, thinks better of it, and, eyes down, takes his leave.

Black out.